


Winter

by 2Atoms



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Please prepare to be a little sad, Pregnancy, Surrogate Mom!Trixie, baby!fic kinda, cis woman!Trixie, some smut, trans!Katya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-10 01:06:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18649798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Atoms/pseuds/2Atoms
Summary: Trixie would never deny her friends anything. She's even willing to be a surrogate for their first baby.Katya is only worried about her girlfriend, this whole baby thing isn't really for her.





	Winter

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to a new friend, who's original idea have warped beyond all recognition.
> 
> Fair warning: a lot of major and serious topics are touched on in this fic. They're not explored in any capacity, in most cases. (also, I have selectively ignored parts of the surrogacy process that didn't suit the plot. Sorry.)
> 
> Disclaimer: Katya has some, uh, questionable views on the whole situation. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Katya can still remember the weeknight Trixie came home with pregnancy on the brain, when she a little tipsy and lot thoughtful, draping herself all over Katya without a word. It had been a shock.

Never in her adult life had Katya considered having kids. It was a gross subject in her mind. In the months she’d realised she was trans, when doors started opening and she realised how to make her body  _ fit, _ parenthood was one of the vague, distant, fuzzy doors which had slammed closed. She was fine with that. She was sure the human race would survive without her offspring – and she could sure as hell live without a couple of ankle biters draining her bank account.

Maybe she’d thought that, if the urge to expand their tiny family had ever struck Trixie, she’d adopt a couple of troubled teens. Distant in the future, when they were both retired and they had a mortgage on a house that wasn’t shitty.  If that slim sliver of luck had ever come through for them, if that stars aligned, Katya still wouldn’t be sure.

Childbirth? Pregnancies? Ultrasounds and baby showers and feeling a kid kick against your trembling hand? It couldn’t have felt further from the expectation of what her life would be like. Let alone what her next twelve months would be like.

*

For months, Trixie took hormones and fretted. She got scared and angry and excited and scared again, took vitamin after vitamin, read fear-mongering blog posts deep into the night until Katya had to close the laptop and cuddle her to sleep.

Katya found herself staring away blankly, cursing Brooke and Matt for ever wanting a tiny baby, who she was sure would be the most loved baby on the planet. They were nice men, loving husbands, and they were absolute bastards for asking Trixie to be their surrogate. For asking Trixie when Katya wasn’t there to tether her down with the mundane reality of what she was agreeing to. To ask the hard questions. To negotiate the details and the ‘will you be paying for when Trixie can’t work?’ questions which they’d all been too over-the-moon to care about at the time.

She cursed them for being so emotionally invested in this stupid baby that Trixie couldn’t say no. Her massive heart was far too kind to deny her friends anything. Not even if it would ruin months of her life. 

She tried to kindly explain to Trixie why pregnancy was so fucking horrifying. How much pain and discomfort she’d feel that Katya would hate to watch. That they’d have to put their whole lives on hold. That it was  _ risky _ .

Then again, she wasn’t Trixie’s fucking keeper. She couldn’t control what Trixie wanted to do with her own body, she would never want to. But late at night, when Trixie had tracked her ovulation and taken every vitamin she could find and eaten all the foods they said were good for IVF, Katya couldn’t help but stare down at her sleeping face and wonder why Trixie had agreed to surrogacy.

Why hadn’t Katya been consulted? Did her opinion matter at all? Would Trixie choose someone else’s baby over her? Why was Katya so annoyed about it all?

It wasn’t Katya’s body that stopped her wanting kids. It wasn’t dysphoria or insecurity. She just… didn’t really care for kids that much.  Sure, her nieces and nephews are cute or whatever, but eventually she always wanted to hand them back to someone else.

That kind of burden, that kind of responsibility, it didn’t suit her.

She wasn’t sure it would suit Trixie, either. The woman who loved nothing more than being comfortable, in a hot bath getting wine drunk, teasing Katya about their lazy weekends.

A woman who flourished in pretty dresses and being so uncontrollably vain, when It suited her, then lazy and funny and stupid all at the time. The discomfort of swollen feet, of growing out of all her clothes, not being able to sleep, back pain and waddling? She couldn’t see Trixie feeling anything but sheer, total suffering. 

*

A solid three months after agreeing to this whole scheme, was Trixie’s IVF appointment. Katya drove her there, made Trixie schedule the appointment between her teaching shifts at the yoga studio. She wasn’t sure why she wanted to be there so bad, maybe because the whole process felt so alien to her. Maybe because someone else would be poking around between her girlfriend’s legs. 

She hated the image of Trixie in hospital scrubs, all her personality washed out, leaving a quiet, diminutive woman who nodded and  _ uh huh-ed  _ along to the nurses’ instructions. She couldn’t quite imagine why Trixie would subject herself to another nine months of this, the humiliation and stress, just to hand her baby away. Trixie always told her it was for her friends, because she could help them, because she was confident this baby would be so loved it could never possibly suffer. Because her friends’ happiness was more important than her own.

Sure.

*

On her grumpier days, Katya found Trixie more sickly sweet than she could handle. When she started claiming she  _ felt good about it _ , went through a phase of eating kale because she thought it would help the baby. When the hormones made her feel off-kilter, made her moods crazy. Katya just told her not to feel guilty, held her through the crying and the hot flushes, let her get her anger out if that was what she needed. Trixie seemed to have a particularly tough time with the pills they gave her, the hormones affecting her especially strongly. Katya took it in her stride, though. Each day as it came. If nothing else, Katya sympathised with the side effects of taking hormones.

A week after the first IVF treatment, Trixie had growing embryo planted inside her. The appointment was in the morning, and Katya knew she hadn’t slept a wink. When Katya went out to work at the yoga studio that night, she was certain Trixie would be asleep on her return. She trudged home from the long way, needing to decompress after a miserable class. One which was so dreary it sucked the energy out of her each second she taught, made her reconsider her whole career. Perhaps it was time to move to a forest, flee society.

Suddenly, her phone buzzed. A text from Trixie.

‘never mind. dont worry.’

It was only then that she noticed the three missed calls, paced about ten minutes apart. Trixie must have called while she was teaching. Which meant it was important. Shit.

*

Trixie hadn’t picked up any calls as Katya walked back, briskly enough that she was winded approaching their building. Katya made record time. When she walked through the door, the lights were off in the apartment and Trixie was crumpled up on the couch. Not unusual, except her laptop was closed and she wasn’t asleep. She was crying.

“Baby?” Katya asked tentatively, resting a hand on Trixie hunched shoulder. Her girlfriend reached up for a hug, and Katya’s heart sunk when she was how puffy her face was.

“I don’t think I wanna do this anymore.” She whispered, gripping Katya so close she could hardly breathe. Katya stayed silent. She couldn’t say anything useful, right now. Trixie knew what she thought. She wished Trixie didn’t. Wished she could be the strong one, wished she could pretend it would all be okay. Especially with Trixie crumbling in her arms.

“It’s  _ so  _ scary, Kat.”

“Yeah.”

She knew. She knew it was scary for Trixie, to have all that pressure on her from Matt and Brooke. That it must be stressful to not know what her future would hold, how she would feel after everything that happened.

Katya was so scared too. It scared her to see Trixie so out of control. To think about the risks and the costs if anything went wrong. She knew that she was afraid she couldn’t find Trixie attractive again. That Trixie would get sick. Get post-partum depression. Maybe she would decide she wanted babies of her own, and that she  _ didn’t  _ want Katya. Go full tilt crazy. Be bedridden with morning sickness. Fall out with Brooke and Matt, have to keep the baby herself. What if it was twins? Triplets?

What if Trixie really, really couldn’t give that baby up?

What if she couldn’t have the baby at all?

All Katya could do was hold her closer. Try not to tremble herself as Trixie cried herself to sleep, then napped for a minute before letting Katya lead her to bed.

The next morning, Trixie didn’t mention it again. Just grumble that she couldn’t drink coffee, and wonder when the next clinic appointment was. She’d go through with this whatever it took, their shared doubts weren’t enough to put Trixie off from helping her friends. She was ridiculously kind, ridiculously loyal, like that.

So Katya left it be. Fate could decide.

*

Against her better judgment, Katya was glad when the embryo took. Sure, she thought this was a bad idea, shadows of awful outcomes haunting her, playing at the back of her mind at night and whenever she caught sight of Trixie reading pregnancy blogs. Still, it saved another round of pills and procedures, of three clinic visits in a week and an endlessly anxious Trixie. It was what Trixie wanted, so that was enough to make her happy. It saved Trixie and Matt and Brooke heartbreak. That was what mattered.

Trixie couldn’t wait to tell the parents, pregnancy test still in hand as she tried to text them.

“Maybe you should tell them in person?” Katya asked, gently taking the phone from her hand.

Trixie looked up at her with the most ridiculous, toothy smile, nodding furiously. She was  _ so _ excited. Like, kept checking her phone and the time, could barely restrain from telling the cashier at the grocery store  _ excited. _

Katya cooked, and Trixie couldn’t stop talking the whole time. Even when there was silence between them, Trixie was thinking about the baby. Katya could tell.

Then the parents had showed up, Brooke bearing wine and flowers, Matt apologetically offering chocolates to Trixie. Obviously, she couldn’t drink wine. Katya had hoped they’d at  _ least _ remember that.

“Sorry, we just thought you probably wouldn’t have any in the house… and I already bought the wine so…”

“It’s fine, really.”

Trixie smiled, putting the chocolates in the kitchenette with a smile to the men and a raised eyebrow to Katya. Katya had to stifle a laugh, turning back to stir the pasta when she heard .

“The fuck does that mean?” Matt’s voice boomed around the corner.

“It took, dumbass! Why would I call you here to say it didn’t work?” Trixie told him, the last part of her sentence warped by giggles.

Katya poked her head around the door to see Trixie swept up in a hug, Brooke slack-jawed while Matt wrapped his arms around Trixie. Katya couldn’t help being happy for them, their disbelief and excitement. She knew they were paying a lot of fucking money for this baby, but that they were also  _ totally _ emotionally invested. She couldn’t believe it had paid off first time. There was squealing, laughing, hugs all ‘round – even to Katya, for some reason. She wasn’t sure why. This was Trixie’s venture. But sure. They were happy. That’s what counts.

When the excitement died down, they helped Katya serve up the food – hardly pausing for mouthfuls between baby talk.

There was part of her brain, some devil’s-advocate-anxiety-dream-inducing part, where Katya couldn’t help but worry that she didn’t matter in all this. Trixie didn’t need her, she was happier than Katya had seen her in months, and it wouldn’t even matter if Katya dropped dead right now.

Of course, that was an exaggeration. Stupid. Irrational. Because she caught Trixie watching her, smiling, trying to re-engage Katya in the conversation when she’d been zoned out too long. She’d reach across to stroke her hand, smile at her knowingly when Brooke and Matt were lip locking and laughing with each other. She’d thanked Katya for cooking, even when their guests had forgotten – understandably – in all the excitement.  

When the men had finally left, all giddy with excitements and already cuddling Trixie between them in a hug, Matt claiming he ‘knew it was a girl’. Brooke could only smile tearfully, tell Trixie:

“I can’t believe you’re doing this for us. Thank you. Thank you.”

God, it was so early in the pregnancy for them to be excited. Still, Katya gave each of them a hug, waved them out the door, and Trixie barely waited for the lock to  _ clunk _ home before flopping down onto the couch, reaching out two hands for Katya.

“That was… a lot.”

“Yeah.”

There wasn’t anything else she could say, so Katya sunk down onto Trixie’s lap, all her weight carefully balanced on her thighs. God, Trixie was barely pregnant. She wasn’t even showing. Katya was just so scared of doing something wrong, fucking something up.

“They’re so excited.”

Trixie laughed, burying her face into Katya’s neck with a sigh.

“Yep. They’ve been talking about this for ages. Saving up.”

Katya wondered how long they’d been hinting to Trixie, known they wanted her as a surrogate. Was Trixie their first choice? Had they been looking at Trixie, deciding, for months?

She wondered how Trixie had felt, when they asked. Defensive? Scared? Honoured? More than anything, Katya wished she’d been there to take that shock with Trixie. To help her process that. Not even to try and change her mind, just to take the pressure off a little. Matt and Trixie had been friends their whole lives, and she’d loved Brooke straight away. She knew Trixie trusted them totally, and Katya did too. They’d been on short holidays together, had fun driving a stupid-long distance just ‘cos it was more fun than flying. She really did like the couple. She wasn’t sure she liked what they were asking Trixie for.

As she tended to do, Trixie brought her back to reality. Warm hands snaking under her shirt, the softness of her thighs under Katya, the soft kiss pressed against her lips, brought Katya back into the living room. Back to the circumstances no one else had any wont to escape from.

“Can we still have sex?” she murmured, embarrassed, as Trixie’s hands gripped down on her hips.

It wasn’t so much the topic itself that was mortifying to talk about, she just felt  _ selfish _ . The fact she was thinking about sex at a time like this, with a tiny life growing inside Trixie. Her girlfriend was making so many sacrifices – her favorite foods, her time, her damn  _ body _ – but Katya still wanted sex. God. 

She was about to apologise, explain herself, when Trixie whispered against her lips:

“Of course, babe.”

 

It took a moment for Katya to get used to the idea of having sex with Trixie, knowing there was a baby growing inside her. She’d been worried it would be a roadblock, a / _ weirdness _ she couldn’t overlook.

Once they were through the bedroom door, however, it was just  _ Trixie _ . Wonderful, amazing, selfless Trixie. Stripping down to her underwear, gently smiling as Katya closed the door, granting them privacy from no one in particular. 

She was just Trixie, all soft curves, freckles, blonde hair falling out of its curls. She had the same impatience as Katya stripped out of her own clothes, the same blown out pupils, rimmed by brown, the same pale blue veins spider-webbing across her breasts. 

Katya near-enough cried at the delicate touch of her fingers, tracing across Katya’s bare stomach, easing her bra-straps over the shoulders, kissing at the pink indents there before she undid the hooks, massaging the half-circles under each of her breasts before finally kissing her square on the mouth. 

She let Katya remove her bra as they kissed, mouth hot, breaking to breathe whenever they remembered to. Nothing about the way they kissed was sloppy, Katya knew her far too well for that. Each brush of their tongues, moan, movement, was deliberate. It felt like home.

Trixie’s breasts hung heavy against her chest, and Katya felt them squish against her own as Trixie pulled her closer, their entire torsos pressed together, standing in the mess of their bedroom. 

Any doubt had left Katya’s mind the second Trixie pinned her to the bed, big hands holding down her skinnier hips, teasing Katya’s already-hardening dick. It was all so familiar, comfortable in a way Katya couldn't ever imagine getting bored of. The way Trixie looked after her the exact same way, checked in with her the same way, still chuckled around her dick at the groans Katya made. 

It took her a second to recover, no rush to pull herself up off the mattress as Trixie cleaned her up, first with a towel and then delicately with her tongue, maddeningly lightly, barely making Katya oversensitive. When she flopped herself down beside Katya, perched in the section of bed left over, those glossy brown eyes and wet lips suddenly motivated her to move, to kiss Trixie deeply, tasting herself on her girlfriend’s tongue and trying not to groan.

She pressed two thumbs into the fat above Trixie’s hips as she made her way to lay between her legs, digging deep into the muscle so Trixie twinged then snorted out a laugh. It was only then, nose just centimetres from Trixie’s freshly-trimmed pubic hair, she remembered. Then realised she didn’t care. At all. 

That relief was enough to drive Katya forwards, eating Trixie out with enough fervour to surprise the other woman. Trixie was vocal, noisy. She moaned in a way that made Katya completely aware of what she was feeling, how she reacted to each kitten lick, each hard suck and pointed lap at her slick, wet lips. It was a feedback loop, one that Katya loved. When she was fucking her, eating her, kissing her, she could almost  _ feel _ how Trixie felt, just from her  _ noises _ . With each touch of Katya's tongue she got closer, until the sounds she made were all short pants and ‘don't stop’’s, her pussy clenching around nothing, Katya’s fingers having never left their spots digging into her hips. 

Katya kept her lips resting atop Trixie’s clit as she came. She watched her with reverence, an aching jaw, resisting the urge to grind down into the mattress. Trixie wouldn’t make a second round, judging by her sensitivity, the ferociousness with which she was arching off the bed.

“I love you so much.” she whispered into Trixie’s hipbone, feeling the stroke of a sweaty, warm hand in her hair. 

“I love you too.”

*

At 3 months, Trixie started being treated like any other expectant mother. Going to OB-GYNs who asked about the baby as if it would be her own, their questions poking at a shallow wound which Katya could see growing deeper and deeper, as Trixie became more and more attached to the life growing inside her. She had the first scan a little late; life got in the way.

It was a boy. And Brooke and Matt didn’t want to know, but Trixie was ecstatic for them. She would’ve wanted a girl, for herself, she’d gushed to Katya, but she knew that they’d be good dads to an adorable baby boy. Katya found herself smiling as they drove back from the hospital, making her best attempt at matching Trixie’s tearful grin. Each time she could, Katya would sneak a glance across at her girlfriend, cradling a tiny bump and clutching ultrasound pictures in the passenger seat. 

*

Those pictures never made it to their fridge, they sat on the counter until Trixie could give them to Matt and Brooke the next day. The parents had clutched each other tight, tears in their eyes, and Trixie watched their subdued happiness with glassy eyes. Katya had sat opposite them, a heaviness she couldn’t place deep in her stomach, watched how Matt and Brooke grew more excited with each update. They treasured those simple photos, handled them carefully and kept them away from the sticky restaurant tables. Trixie still had the photos on her phone, hidden away in a folder for when she was overcome with the need to gawk at the tiny little life growing inside her. Occasionally Katya would catch her up late at night, hand on stomach as she looked over the ultrasound.

The morning sickness was the worst part, seeing Trixie bent over a toilet bowl at all hours of the day, red eyes and heaving breaths as she threw up food she so desperately needed to keep down.

They’d joked about weird cravings, about how Trixie’s food choices could possibly get any weirder, but right about now Katya would give anything to be finding Nutella and pickles and whatever the fuck else Trixie demanded from the furthest away store. She’d started carrying two hairbands around her wrist, seeing as Trixie always lost hers. She’d plait Trixie’s hair into two, trying not to pull at Trixie’s scalp and soothe the savage headaches vomiting caused her.

Whatever ‘glow’ Trixie was supposed to have; Katya couldn’t see it.

It got better, though. After worried doctor’s visits and Katya getting irate at the idea of just ‘giving it time’, after Trixie had tried every variation on ginger tea Katya could get at the health food store, the halfway mark of Trixie’s pregnancy finally soothed her morning sickness.

Every morning when Trixie could laze in bed, only darting out of bed to pee, Katya showered her with love. She might be the only person happier than Trixie that the sickness had stopped, that she didn’t have to worry all day whether Trixie was passed out on their bathroom floor. Obviously she still worried, constantly, about every baby-induced scenario. But the morning sickness subsiding made it a little more irrational.

As Trixie got better, something new started happening. At first, Katya was convinced Trixie imagined it. Until, suddenly, she found herself shaken awake before the sun had risen.

She was groggy, but Trixie was nowhere near sleepy.

“Katya! He just kicked!”

“What?”

Oh right. Babies. Kicking, punching, karate. Whatever it is they do.

“Feel right here!” Trixie dragged her hand onto her lower belly, the stretched skin soft and moisturised. But below that, the lightest movement. Katya found herself smiling.

It probably felt like something huge, inside Trixie, and the way she was smiling at Katya, eyes wide in the dark, it felt like something huge to Katya too.

She was smiley the whole day, glowing in her loose flowing maternity dress and delighted each time she felt the baby move. Sure, they both knew that would grow old really quick – when the kicks started to hurt and keep her awake – but they were happy to bask in their excitement for now.

For the first time, Katya found herself overcome with the fact: “That’s a real baby.”

Trixie was doing that. And she was so enthusiastic, so happy, gushing over now she couldn’t wait for Matt and Brooke to feel, it was hard to begrudge any of them the miracle of a new life. Just for a second, Katya could pretend this baby wasn’t a huge source of stress. That she wasn’t worried about the creature stealing Trixie’s blood and nutrients to grow inside her.

All she could see was Trixie’s smile, the way she was practically  _ glowing _ at her.

*

It took a while to understand Trixie’s hormones. To realise that Trixie wasn’t trying to be high maintenance or sensitive, and that she genuinely couldn’t help it. Half the time Trixie was just as frustrated and amused by her own emotions, when she found herself sobbing over daytime TV or gracelessly, desperately pining Katya to the bed at times when she really, probably needed to leave to teach a class.

When they weren’t frustrating, Trixie’s newly-intensified feelings were  _ cute _ . When she cried at movies and complained endlessly about what was happening to her, when she craved food so badly she literally couldn’t imagine doing anything else but eating it. When she was suddenly so horny they missed a night’s sleep, or a whole afternoon.

Secretly, when she was alone, Katya had started to research more. She’d sneak Trixie’s pregnancy books off the bedside table, always making sure to slip them back into place when the front door  _ clunk- _ ed open. She knew how big that baby was now, 6 months old and practically crushing Trixie’s organs into her ribs.

Trixie was _uncomfortable._ All the time. That hourglass figure could make her uncomfortable at the best of times, waking up with a sore back from sleeping on her side, breasts aching after a particularly long day, but pregnancy was something else entirely.

With swollen breasts and a heavy belly, Trixie was struggling even with the walk to work, and it hurt Katya to watch. Even as she accompanied Trixie on her commute every morning, trying to distract and comfort her, she couldn’t help the resentment growing for this whole agreement. Occasionally, she’d drop a text to Brooke. A quick:

‘ _ Trixie is in agony. can you bring her lunch at work? _ ’

Or, to Matt:

‘ _ Baby is being a pain today. text trix.' _

She knew they weren’t to blame. That the baby wasn’t to blame. Still, watching Trixie collapse on the sofa each night, turn down every date night, be unable to sleep from pain? Someone should be held responsible for that. Katya would do anything to free her from it.

Around her busy schedule, which became increasingly erratic as her yoga classes picked up new patrons each work, Katya kept reading. Kept trying to understand what Trixie was going through. All their friends were childless, either for their careers or their personal lives, maybe both. She couldn’t bear the thought of how alone Trixie must feel in this, even when she hid it. She did every single thing she could think of to make Trixie feel better, at one time or another.

And sometimes Trixie was too tired for a nice gentle Pilates set that Katya wanted her to do, or didn’t really care for the new superfood she’d brought home to ease her joints, but sometimes Katya hit the nail on the head.

Like the Tuesday evening when Trixie had nearly sobbed in relief, trudging through the door to hear Katya running her a bath, not as scorching as she might’ve had six months ago. The week had barely started, but her six hours shifts at a Benefit counter had started to take their toll in a way she’d never felt before. With barely the energy to strip down, she’d let her girlfriend help her into the bath, rub her sore feet and hear all about her day. 

Like when she’d bring home small treats, face masks or chocolate bars, or when she’d think of the smallest gestures. A hot water bottle, a mug of fruit tea, it all added up.

Night after night, when Trixie’s weariness had ebbed away for a while, she’d hold Katya close and thank her. Night after night, Katya insisted she didn’t need thanks. Whether she was rubbing Trixie’s back or feeling her plush lips on her clit, Katya couldn’t bring herself to think she’d drawn a short straw. Not really. The Trixie by her side was still  _ her _ Trixie, and she’d long ago accepted that every hurdle and obstacle she faced with Trixie was a thousand times easier than without her. Even this.

*

Except, talking to Matt late one night, she learnt something new. Learnt that apparently, Trixie was going to look after the baby for a week. She was going to breastfeed and cuddle that baby and lose hours of sleep until she was overtired enough to barely function.

Katya’s anger wasn’t unwarranted, as she stammered excuses before hanging up the phone. Why hadn’t Trixie told her that? Also, how  _ dare _ they?

With Trixie already asleep, Katya couldn’t mention it to her. How Matt said they’d had it planned for ages, to leave the baby in Trixie’s  _ home _ for a week. How could Matt and Brooke possibly let her do that? Leave her to care for their kid, to get attached and to sacrifice even more of her precious health. Katya knew enough to realise that wasn’t normal surrogacy behaviour, but then again, Matt and Brooke seemed really desperate to do what was best for this baby.

It wasn’t best for Trixie though. It was fucking unbelievable and audacious to the point of outrageous, but when she confronted Trixie about it, she didn’t have the heart to get angry. Trixie  _ knew _ . She wasn’t stupid. She was braced for what was to come, and she agreed to do it anyway.

Selfless to a fault.

*

Without the nausea and the hormone chaos of her earlier couple of trimesters, the due date approached rapidly.

There had been a lot of discussion about where Katya would go to the birth. “Of course!” she was going, she kept telling herself. Kept telling everyone. People were meant to be there when their girlfriends were in labour with someone else’s baby.

No matter how much Trixie told her she didn’t have to, that it might make her uncomfortable, that it was going to be gross and unpleasant and probably really fucking long. She could wait outside, Trixie insisted. If she ever wanted to find Trixie sexy again, she should probably wait outside. Katya nodded along, afraid to start an argument with Trixie these days for fear she might cry or yell herself into an early labour.

Reasonably, of course, she’d never let Trixie go through that alone – no matter how horrifying she found the whole thing. She was pretty sure Trixie found it horrifying too, the woman who had always been too squeamish to handle her own broken nails and contact lenses. This wasn’t optional, though. They were going through it together, even if Trixie broke every bone in Katya’s hand with her grip. Even if they never had sex again.

*

Katya was grocery shopping when Trixie’s first contractions started, or rather an hour after her first contractions started. She’d been waving off ‘false-alarm’ Braxton-Hicks for a few day, making Katya so worried she could hardly think about anything else. But Trixie had  _ really _ wanted chocolate, and the fridge had been nearly empty, so Katya went out. Better now than after the birth, they’d reasoned.

Still, Trixie’s waters broke in their very own bedroom, and Katya’s usually-silent phone rang as she was checking out. The drive home from the store had to be the shortest of her life, but it felt the longest, with Trixie trying to stay calm on speakerphone.

“I knew we should have packed.”

“I know. It’s fine, I’ll do when I get back,” Katya promised, slamming on the brakes to avoid taking her exit too fast.

“Yeah.”

Trixie went quiet, and Katya forgot to watch the road, checking the call hadn’t dropped. The sound of Trixie hissing air through her teeth made her look up, reflexively, and yet worry even more.

“You okay?”

“I’m good. Contractions.” Trixie breathed out, before gasping again.

Katya eased her foot down on the gas, trying not to drive like a maniac. Crashing now wouldn’t help anyone.

“Almost home, baby.”

Baby.

Oh god. Trixie was having a  _ baby. _

*

And ten hours later, she did.

Ten hours of escalating pain, of clutching Katya’s hand through contractions, even as she drove Trixie to the hospital. Of fretting over who to call and whether they should be nagging the doctors for anything, whether they should be eating or whatever.

The birth was, by the books, normal. But for Trixie, in agony and fearing what was next, hating all the people poking at her and measuring things, it must have felt like the longest hours of her life. Katya could only watch, stroke Trixie’s hand and encourage her as she swore and screamed. Katya’s fingers were picked raw, from where she’d been chewing at the skin around her nails, absolutely fucking  _ terrified _ . It drove home the agony of loving someone. The absolute fear of them being hurt. The idea of Trixie in pain, that Katya couldn’t solve and the nurses weren’t worried about. To see her flat on her back, so helpless and afraid, desperately trying to find comfort in Katya’s worried eyes, that hurt. Trixie was one of the strongest, bravest women Katya had ever met. Yet no amount of bravery made childbirth less traumatic, and she was left to stroke at Trixie’s face helplessly, feed her ice chips and distract her, curse Matt and Brooke for having the nerve to be in love, to want a family.

As long as the birth felt, it was over in a blur, a muddle of neither of them remembering what to do, the hospital interior hiding all signs of the world turning, of time passing. The baby was born and Katya wanted to business cutting the umbilical cord, Trixie was trying not to cry, the doctor was dealing with all the gory stuff. It was over. Nine months of uncertainty and worry, done. A chapter closing. Almost.

*

The moment the nurse handed that baby over to Trixie, helping her take it to her breast with shaking arms, that Katya finally understood just why she had been so worried. Giving that baby away might be the most heart-breaking experience of Trixie’s life. The baby never opened his eyes, too busy adjusting to being alive and, like, a real human in the  _ world _ . It didn’t seem to matter though, she knew Trixie was already in love with him. When she handed him back to the nurse, sweat finally drying on her face, she finally looked up. Katya couldn’t read her expression fully, but there was no mistaking the tinge of sadness in her eyes. 

Trixie couldn’t bear to hear that baby’s name. She never saw the birth certificate properly, just signed it in a state of exhaustion that made Katya worry she would just die on the spot. As Trixie slept, and the baby was left in a strange baby box which fascinated Katya, she read the certificate over the nurse’s shoulder.

_ Winter Hytes-Matteo. _

It was a stupid name. Probably not as stupid as the one they would have come up with, she realised fondly, but still stupid. Worse still, none of those names were Trixie’s. Not even a nod to the woman who had brought him into the world.

Matt and Brooke had been in the waiting room during the birth, Trixie wouldn’t let them in except for between contractions, and had held Winter with tears in their eyes. They’d handed him over to the nurse reluctantly, thanked Trixie profusely and verbosely, seemingly oblivious to her discomfort and the tears pooling in her own eyes.

That was fine. That was all they could be expected to do. They’d brought flowers and a balloon and respected Trixie’s wishes to be left the hell alone to sleep. And dozed at her bedside. She’d been invited onto the tiny hospital bed, which had been cleaned up when Trixie had, but that didn’t feel right. She didn’t want to hurt Trixie. She didn’t want to wake her up.

So she slept in the uncomfortable metal chair beside her, leaning on the plastic bracing of the bed, waking up like clockwork to check Trixie was still there.

*

It was weird, when they were discharged. To see Trixie hold a baby that she’d have to give away. To see the woman she loved have someone more important in her life than Katya. She didn’t mind, though. Couldn’t bring herself to feel jealousy for that tiny, pink little baby that Trixie had managed to make, with its wrinkly skin and gummy yawns. 

Katya did everything she could to help, trying not to seem totally useless as she handled the baby tentatively, strapped him into the car seat Matt had left for them, drove more carefully than she had in her  _ life _ . It was weird. The drive home from the hospital, the return to an empty house, the making Trixie decaf tea and promising she didn’t mind clearing up. It was not being sure where to put the baby or if they had enough stuff, forgetting everything either of them had read about postnatal care, desperately trying not to move when he finally fell asleep in Trixie’s arms.

Of Katya sneaking photos.

Of Trixie trying not to use his name, staring at him in reverence.

Of not knowing exactly how they were supposed to feel.

Not for the first time, Katya tried to imagine how this would feel if Winter was really their baby.

*

There was a reason most surrogates give up their babies instantly, and Katya was pretty sure she’d figured it out. When she caught Trixie crying, as she tried to latch the baby onto her breast, frustrated and tired and  _ heartbroken _ .

Trixie had wanted to try breastfeeding at the hospital, just like every single piece of online advice told her. And she had, with difficulty and so exhausted she could hardly pay attention to what the nurses were doing. As they were leaving Trixie had told them she still didn’t know what to do, but the nurses just shrugged. Told her ‘you’ll figure it out’. There was no way they’d wake the baby early to teach Trixie to breastfeed, despite her protests that she  _ ‘had no idea what she was doing.’ _

Katya understood why Trixie had been so keen to breastfeed at the hospital, surrounded by experts who could keep her calm and help her out. Winter just wasn’t cooperating. Trixie wished she could help, watching Trixie near tears, desperately trying to get an uninterested Winter to latch on.

When she saw Katya in the doorway, watching down on where Trixie was slouched on the sofa, it finally brought Trixie to tears, her head slumping down, some unwashed, oily hair falling out of her hastily-tied ponytail.

“He won’t do it, Katya!” 

Katya was across the room like a shot, cradling Winter out of the way so Trixie could finally slouch down onto her knees, frustration overtaking her.

“It just  _ hurts _ .” 

Her bathrobe was open, breasts slightly swollen beneath, and Katya sighed.

“I know, sweetheart. Just be patient.” 

“Oh, fuck off.” Trixie grumbled, wincing as the pulled the robe closed.

“What?” 

“Really? With that ‘patience’ shit? How the hell would you know?”

Suddenly, Trixie was mad at her, and Katya didn’t know quite what to do. She sat with her mouth agape, Winter almost forgotten where he stared up at them from her arms. As she tried to formulate and answer, Trixie crumbled. As quickly as it had come, her anger subsided.

“I’m so sorry. You know I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” 

Trixie’s lip was quivering, eyes puffy. She was still moving tenderly, obviously, so Katya leant herself closer. It was Katya’s bare arm against Trixie’s bathrobe, but it was as much contact as she could manage, cradling a day-old baby.

“It is.Trixie, babe, you’ve barely slept. Or eaten.” she reasoned. Now wasn’t the time to hold grudges, least of all against her own overtired, famished girlfriend.

“I know.”

It took another half hour for Winter to finally latch and feed, Trixie trying to put on a brave face throughout, and Katya desperately looking for a way to occupy herself. She made Trixie food, put Netflix on, hovered nearby, helped as much as she could. Finally, Winter went to sleep and Katya could return him to his cot in their bedroom while Trixie cleaned up a little. When she returned, Trixie had cleared space for her on the messy couch - laptops and phones and puked-on blankets swept aside.

“I’m sorry.”

“Really, don’t even worry about it.”

The soft kiss they shared once Katya had sat down was the most tender Katya could remember in weeks, all unbrushed teeth and greasy faces, not a line of makeup in sight and so,  _ so  _ careful not to jostle Trixie. Still, Katya savoured it.

“Let’s get you into bed.” she whispered, hands bracing Trixie’s elbows carefully.

“Yes, please...”

*

They overslept by a few too many hours, when Trixie woke Katya up crying, breasts too engorged to move. Winter woke as Katya was rushing to get cool packs, and Trixie was overcome with relief as soon as he latched onto her right breast, easing a little of the pain. Katya sat behind her, rubbing gently at her left breast to try and ease the pain, and was struck by the domesticity of the whole situation, Trixie nearly asleep with a baby clutched to her breast, Katya bracing their weight, legs bracketing Trixie’s from behind. After that, she was careful to set timers to feed frequently, all too aware of the pain Trixie must be doing through even without forgetting feedings.

*

Nappies and easy meals and blankly watching TV brought them through the days, closer and closer to when Winter would be out of their lives. Matt and Brooke were there as much as they could be, doing most of the dirty work and relieving Trixie of baby duty as often as they could. It felt invasive, though. When Trixie was so connected to the baby, her body so in-tune with him. That wouldn’t last, Katya knew that. She didn’t for a second believe that Trixie wanted to keep him from his true parents, or that she had some unbreakable bond with him. They were all fairly over arguments about ‘fighting nature’, but when Trixie woke immediately at night to tend to him, groaned at how his cries made her lactate. At the time she couldn’t anything but concern for Trixie, but in hindsight, it made her smile. 

Regret was maybe the most alarming emotion that Katya felt, ebbing and flowing, and sometimes hitting her like a fucking  _ truck.  _ A truck loaded with the unexpected panging sensation of remorse. The most unexpected part was when she dug a little deeper. When she realised that what she really felt regret for was Trixie  _ losing _ her baby. That in just a few dozen hours that baby would be out of their lives, and she wasn’t quite sure what Trixie was going to do with herself.

*

The night before Winter left, Matt and Brooke took one last night at home. Trixie and Katya spent one last night at home, marvelling over the baby Trixie had made.

He was far from leaving their life, they were aunts, godmothers, had every possible connection to Winter that they could. But this was the closing of a chapter, a turmoil that they would still be processing for months. Trixie held him close, face crumpled with sobs, finally falling asleep before Katya returned him to the cot with teary eyes.

*

She cleaned the house early the next morning. Hid every medical bill and hospital pamphlet, every breast-milk stained old shirt, the blankets Trixie had napped under on the couch, all hidden away.

Everything held memories, of when they’d been thrown there because they had more important things to worry about. The blanket she’d laid over Trixie after a couple painful hours breastfeeding. The mugs of tea left undrunk, far away from where they could risk burning the baby. The dent in the couch where Trixie had been confined the first few days. It brought her back to the beginning of IVF treatment, to holding Trixie on the couch as she cried. Except now Katya was crying too. Mourning  _ something _ , she wasn’t sure what exactly.

Matt and Brooke cried, picking Winter up. Bringing over chocolate and flowers and  _ wine! _

(“You can finally drink again, Trixie!” Matt had enthused, tears in both their eyes as he tried to cheer her up, before holding her tight.)

Just like that, they left. No staying or chatting. Winter was out of their home and their immediate lives. And Trixie flopped herself back onto the couch, away from that divot left by breastfeeding, wine left on the table.

“I’m so stupid, getting attached like that.”

“It’s only natural. I think I was a bit attached too, in the end. What you did was so incredible.”

Trixie shrugged.

“It  _ was,  _ Trixie.”

Not the physical bit. Sure, the miracle of birth and all that. But Katya meant the emotional part. She meant the  _ giving-up-months-of-your-life-for-your-best-friends-to-have-a-kid _ bit. Now that was incredible. 

Katya’s buried her face in Trixie’s shoulder, pulling herself closer to Trixie without jostling her too badly. Trixie sighed deeply, letting her head loll onto her girlfriend’s. They had so much to talk about.

“I know that was tough for you.” Trixie whispered, stroking Katya’s face tenderly.

“I was just…  _ so  _ scared for you. I don’t know what I would have done… if something went wrong.”

Trixie seemed to understand. She nodded serenely, weighing even heavier down on Katya’s head.

“It didn’t. I’m okay. And we’ve got a nephew now.” She reassured, her voice all exhaustion and hoarseness.

It would be okay. It would be okay when Trixie decided she wanted to talk about having her own kids. It would be okay when Katya wasn’t sure, when they decided to babysit Winter as much as they could, to get to know him, find out what exactly parenthood might mean. It was okay that Trixie couldn’t face pregnancy again yet, that she wanted to go on holidays and then save up some money, to move to a bigger apartment and to maybe even get married.

They were more than okay, five years later. When Katya clasped their first daughter to her chest, an exhausted Trixie smiling beside her in a hospital bed. When they named the baby October and laughed about what had happened to their distain for seasonal names. When they were laying in bed late at night, healthy baby girl cuddled between them despite the midwife’s advice, too in love with that kid to let her out of their sight.


End file.
